What to never say to a pregnant woman

By Alex Hadfield

There’s a certain etiquette that should be followed when speaking to a woman who is expecting a baby. 

Like a toddler, a pregnant woman is ruled by her emotions, her bodily functions, her appetite and the amount of sleep she’s gotten.

9 months is a very long time.

For those too young to know any better to those who should know when not to open their mouths, here is a list of things NOT to say to a pregnant woman.

Children 

Small children are fascinated by the changing body of their pregnant mother and often require gentle guidance in what is no longer appropriate to say to their mummy.

“Mummy – why are you so fat?”

This question is NEVER appropriate and children should be discouraged from ever mentioning the ‘f’ word to their mother.  Not so long ago the ‘f’ word was a ‘wash your mouth out with soap’ type of offence.

“Mummy – why are you eating my….?”

Any food left unattended on a plate or any clean surface for longer than 2 minutes will be deemed abandoned and fair game.

“Mummy - can you get my toy/ tie my laces/ pick me up?”

No.  Mummy cannot.  Mummy has lost the magical ability to bend at the waist.  If it falls to the floor it’s dead to her.  

“Mummy – look that lady is having a baby too!”

When clearly that lady has just indulged in one too many Big Macs.  Awkward.  Remove child from vicinity of further possible embarrassment.

Strangers

Most people are aware that there are rules for interaction in everyday life and that there are certain boundaries that you do not cross.  

Think Dirty Dancing – my dance space…YOUR dance space.

If you happen to come across a pregnant woman in your day to day life 

-  who you DO NOT KNOW personally - please be aware that the following are inappropriate.

“What?!  Just one!  You look like you’re having triplets!”

And your face looks like a baboon’s bottom.  But I am polite enough not to say it to your face.

“Can I touch it?!”

No.  No you may not.  Keep your grubby hands to yourself.  If it was acceptable to rub strangers in public then everybody would be doing it.

Especially to George Clooney.  Sigh.

However, if the pregnant lady has deemed it acceptable for you to feel her bump DO NOT start over zealously rubbing it for luck like a Buddha Belly.  

That is GROPING and will get you slapped.

Men 

Men come in all shapes, sizes and in the following forms – partners, husbands, fathers, brothers, employees, bosses, innocent bystanders.

Men (in most cases) as a gender are responsible for getting a woman pregnant.  

Menstruation, Menopause, Mental breakdowns – notice how all women’s problems begin with men?

Therefore ALL men will be equally held responsible AND punished for the discomfort a woman faces during pregnancy.  

As a general rule of thumb for men, when speaking to a pregnant woman – just smile and nod, and agree with whatever the crazy woman is saying.

Things a man should never say to a pregnant woman.

“Is it mine?”

Unless, you’re a hillbilly named Cleetus or a character on The Bold and The Beautiful, please be aware that the reason a woman is telling you that she is pregnant with your child is BECAUSE she is pregnant with your child.  Duh.

“It’s because you’re hormonal.”

Never appropriate.  Under any circumstances.  Crazy talk like that can get you killed.

“Whoa – look at the size of you!”

Especially if she has just stepped out of the shower or is trying to roll out of bed/ off the couch.  Any references to size or how certain body parts looked pre-pregnancy  are taboo.

“What’s for dinner?”

Unless you see food or can smell it cooking, assume she has eaten the entire contents of the refrigerator. Grab the car keys, big boy - It’s time to learn to fend for your self. 

Women who have had children

“Were you trying or was it a surprise?”

None of your business.  How’s your sex life going?  Do you really need to know if the mother was a careful planner or a screw up?

“My epidural didn’t work.  I was cut open from here to here.”

Keep your unsolicited horror birth and labour stories to yourself.  

Save them for AFTER the birth, to share over a stiff drink.

Episiotemies, failed epidurals and poo during labour are not things a pregnant woman needs to hear about.

Also never mention that after giving birth, the woman will then have to deliver the placenta.  Which will hurt just as much as the actual baby.

Future grandmother

The impending arrival of your grandchild may make you reminisce over your own pregnancy and the birth of your daughter.  However, it is inappropriate to rub your hands together gleefully and say,

“Now you’ll know what you put me through!”

There are many other questions and comments that should NEVER be said to a pregnant woman.

Just remember – what you assume to be a good natured,  glowing, belly caressing, breeding woman will in fact probably be a sweaty, gassy, constipated, bloated, hungry, irritated pregnant woman with a foot wedged under her rib cage. Tread carefully.

This article was written for Birth by Alex Hadfield, mama of four with baby number five on the way. Alex blogs at Whoa Mumma