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Learn about your baby together. Be prepared to live in chaos and unpredictability for a while. It is a phase that will pass with time. |
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Set aside some time to sit and talk about how you are both feeling, at least on a weekly basis. If this is too hard, even a brief encounter is better than nothing. You may be surprised at how these moments can nurture the relationship and create intimacy. Discuss your expectations about what you feel each other should be doing in regards to caring for the baby, external work commitments and domestic household duties. This will reduce conflict and minimise mismatched expectations. You may like to read about some strategies for communication. |
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Work together as a team and treat each other as competent equals. Don't criticise the other parent if the nappy is not put on correctly, or it is not the way you would do it. Encourage each other's participation and acknowledge that you are both learning. There are many ways to achieve the same end, so accepting that it is OK for you both do things slightly differently may be needed. This approach will ultimately support yourself, and make leaving the baby with the other very easy and less stressful for all involved. |
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Compliment each other. Let your partner know that you think they are doing a marvellous job. |
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Try to be understanding of your partner. You are both dealing with a tremendous adjustment in your lives. Even though lack of sleep can make you irritable, try not to react angrily to each other. Encourage communication that is calm and open, to honestly express your feelings and look at ways to support each other. |
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Reassess how the household chores are divided, and try to come to an agreement about how the responsibilities are shared. Make it so you will both have adequate time to rest, relax and enjoy the new baby. |
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Try to modify your expectations of how much housework you should be doing (or how much you are expecting you partner to do), especially in the first few months. Only do things that are absolutely essential. You may be able to afford a cleaner, or ask relatives to help in this way. Cut back on outside work commitments if possible. |
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Work together to give each other breaks. Possibly ask a relative to come and stay for a while, or visit regularly, (if this will not cause too much friction). Discuss with them what you would like them to do, to help you the best way possible. |
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Try not to make any major life changes around the birth of your baby, or in the first few months of early parenting (unless absolutely necessary). This includes moving house, renovating and changing jobs. This can create unnecessary stress and conflict, you have enough adjustments to make. |
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If you do have stress in your lives, such as relationship difficulties or financial strains, try to seek help and support to deal with these issues. You may be able to see the social worker at your hospital or seek out individual or relationship counselling. |
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Talk about intimacy and sex. Many women and men need, and want, intimacy in the early weeks but may not be ready for sex. It can be hard to know when the 'right time' is, or the demands of early parenting may mean you are too tired to do anything but cuddle. You can read more later in this class in resuming your sexual relationship. |
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Some men can feel jealous of the closeness between their partner and the new baby. They may miss the time they spent with their partner, and the intimacy that was shared (if this is no longer forthcoming). Often fathers don't feel as left out, or jealous, if they are involved with their baby right from the start. Perhaps using the time when the woman is resting, and your baby is awake, can be utilised to build your own relationship with your baby. This not only helps the woman to catch up on some sleep, but also shows her how supportive you are, contributing to positive feelings in the relationship. |
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Try to organise a regular break with each other, even it is just for an hour or two. You may go out, have some time for intimacy or just both curl up and have a sleep! Perhaps go out for lunch or dinner, picking a restaurant that has relatively fast service so you can take your baby. Or ask someone you feel comfortable with to mind the baby even for an hour, so you both can go to a cafe. |
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If one parent is back at work, contact your partner at least once during the day (phone, fax or email). Include a message of love like 'I am so glad I am with you' rather than just a request like 'Can you pick up some nappies on the way home?' or 'I'll be home late from work.' |
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Many mothers feel they need to 'hand over' the baby as soon as their partner walks through the door. This may be OK sometimes, but often the partner needs to readjust from being at work to coming home. Talk about how you can achieve this. For example, giving them a hug first may be better, or waiting until your partner changes from their work clothes into causal clothes, reads the paper, or has something to eat and drink. Alternatively, the father may arrange to come home early every now and then (if possible) when she sends an SOS. When you are together, try to spend some time talking about something else, rather than just your baby. |
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Surprise each other with flowers or give them a card for no special reason (yes he may love receiving flowers at the office or building site, and she definitely will!). You light some candles with the take away, or give your partner an unexpected neck massage. Let them know that you love them and appreciate them. |