How birth order can affect your kids

What kind of age gap are you thinking of leaving between your children? While two under two can be challenging for mum, it doesn’t affect kids as much as you’d think. Michael Grose, author of Why First Borns Rule the World, says a child’s birth order has far more impact in the years to come. “The wider impact of a person’s birth order is often underestimated,” he says. “There’s significant evidence to suggest that family position influences career paths and even our choice of lifetime partner.”

First born: Big expectations

For a while, a first-born is an only child who gains undivided attention from parents and grandparents. Michael says it’s easy to put too much pressure on first borns. “They are often burdened by high parental expectations particularly if they are boys,” he says. Michael says parents of first borns often need to loosen up and don’t put too much pressure on them. “Many eldest children place enough pressure on themselves to succeed, without parents adding another layer. First borns also crave parental approval, so need more encouragement than praise. Encouragement releases the pressure on first borns to please adults.”

Second born: Born to compete

Second born children are often born into a competitive atmosphere, attempting to live up to the pressure created by the eldest. For your second child to flourish, Michael advises celebrating their differences rather than making them fit the mould created by the first born. “Second-borns often adopt behaviours and characteristics that are the exact opposite of the first-born,” he explains. “Often when a first-born is cooperative and pleasant, the second may be the trouble-maker. At least everyone knows he or she is around. Or if the eldest is the academic the second-born may be the sportsperson or excel in the arts.”

Youngest child: The cruiser

The youngest child has a favoured position in the family. “Many have greater freedom than their elder siblings, as their parents tend to be less anxious about their development and provide them with more space and opportunity to go their own way,” reveals Michael. “As the youngest in a family of four I had far greater freedom than any of my siblings.” He adds that youngest children often easily find their true path in life. “Unburdened by the high expectations that many parents have for their eldest children, many youngests experience greater success than their siblings.”

What about only children?

If there is no age gap between siblings, because you have an only child, Michael advises allowing your offspring to socialise with cousins and on play dates as much as possible. “Only children spend much of their early years in the company of adults, so it’s not surprising that they often develop characteristics that please their elders,” he says. “Only children often prefer their own company and have little trouble keeping themselves occupied. They can also carry the entire weight of their parents’ expectations, which can be a burden to carry around.”

Birth order in adulthood

While the importance of age gap between siblings might diminish as you grow older, you might be surprised to hear that it may affect who you decide to settle down with. “When choosing a partner for life, birth order may be a more accurate indicator of compatibility than a horoscope,” says Michael. “I suspect there’s a large number of first born women with experience caring for younger siblings who have married a youngest born. A little research among the people around you will reveal that such notions are not as far-fetched as they might sound.”